Mommy Dreams

A look into my thoughts and dreams of becoming and being a mother while learning how to be a woman with PCOS.

July 31, 2002

I feel like I need to say something about my journal. I have been putting it off/ ignoring it because my life has been so overwhelming lately. I feel guilty for spending extra time on the computer when I should be playing with Thomas. I have not opened outlook in over a week. I am scared to open it now. I will have an entry up by the beginning of next week.

530am Paul gets up for work. This morning seemed more obnoxious to me. I heard every scrape of his face, I felt the bright lights burning my eyes, I felt Thomas wake up and never go back to sleep.

I AM TIRED!! I am whiney too. I have worked two nights on my own and made a total of 37 dollars. That is 4 dollars an hour. Granted I made the obligatory 2 bucks an hour that servers get.. but HELLO! This heat wave is taking my customers away. Hopefully tonight I will get more work.

July 29, 2002

my kitchen is clean.. my den is vaccumed.. all because my brother and his girlfriend came by on their way to Massachusetts. Thomas woke up a few minutes before they arrived and fell asleep before they left. My brother will be a great dad.. some day.

Monday Morning and a list of things to do. I better get them done. Time is wasting. Have a great week all!

July 28, 2002


We mourn the passing of an old friend, by the name of Common Sense.

Common Sense lived a long life but died in the United States from heart
failure on the brink of the new millennium. No one really knows how old
he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes,
factories helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness.

For decades, petty rules, silly laws, and frivolous lawsuits held no
power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued
lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird
gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in
charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come in second.

A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the
Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational
trends including body piercing, whole language, and "new math." But
his health declined when he became infected with the
"If-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus.

In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages
of well intentioned but overbearing regulations. He watched in pain as
good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers. His health rapidly
deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero-tolerance policies.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for
kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after
lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only
worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools had to
get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not
inform the parent when a female student was pregnant or wanted an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments
became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received
better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in
everything from the Boy Scouts to professional sports. Finally, when a
woman, too stupid to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot,
was awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel.

As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was
kept informed of developments regarding questionable regulations such as
those for low flow toilets, rocking chairs, and stepladders.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust;
his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by two stepbrothers: My Rights, and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Obituary author unknown.

Hair in sock is evil. I admit it if you take a shower after me or you live in the same house with me you will end up with my hair on you. I have been loosing it even more since Thomas was born. Yesterday showed that a simple hair could cause drama all day long. Thomas woke up supposedly in good spirits. I was off to work and when I returned he awoke from his nap upset and not wanting the breast. He did eventually get a bottle but it rattled me so much. The rest of the afternoon he was unusually fussy. Not a fussy where he doesn't play but a weird not Thomas sort of way.

Later last night it got really bad. When we got home from the book store he was asleep. He woke up half an hour later. *He always wakes up when he smells food* He was screaming. Nothing would calm him down. He was limp and in pain. But, from where. No fever, no blood, no teeth. We decided to go to the hospital. I stood up and he was better. Then it started again. Then he relaxed enough to lay down but woke up screaming again. We tried the breast. We gave him a bottle. We tried the teething tablets. We tried the tylenol and mylicon drops. We wanted to go to the hospital again. I took his socks off of him to play with his toes, hoping that would calm him down.

There was a piece of lint. I pulled and he SCREAMED. I tried again. Then I saw it. The hair was wrapped around his second toe, the lint, and the third toe. We cut it off then Paul unwrapped the hair off of the third toe. He screamed when you touched it. It was bright red. Slowly it was turning pink again. We called the ask a nurse line and she reassured me that we had done the right thing and all should be well now. He was asleep within minutes of the hair being removed. He took the breast this morning. *He had taken it some yesterday but not a lot*

July 26, 2002

rainy morning..
oh how I used to welcome you. I still do. You see, it is not me who says I can not enjoy you. It is the wee one at my side. He feels that the day has begun and even grey days are not for laying in bed..

Cranky baby who wants to be held + Cranky Mommy who wants to sleep or get some #%$ done around the house = Mommy sitting on the sofa all day with a boy who is either elated by the attention of his Mommy or so in pain that even that doesn't help.

July 24, 2002

The job seems to be pretty good! I am tired.. but Thomas never has to be with a "daycare". That may change down the road but for right now we are loving it. Paul seems to think he will like working earlier in the day too. What a guy I have.

Now just to learn every single item of food that cracker barrel has on their menus.

So this is a doctors appt week..
Monday Thomas was finally seen by a doctor.. he has a MINOR EARLY ear infection and some drainage
Today I went in to have my blood sugar screening done.. ha.. I was given a glucose monitor and test strips and lancets too .. so now I am poking myself for what maybe the rest of my life.. I NEED TO GET THIS DAMN WEIGHT OFF! I am yelling at myself not you!
Tomorrow Paul is going in for a physical.. he needs it.. and he has questions about his hearburn etc..

July 22, 2002

I must PUMP.. my boy is asleep and I am full of Mommy Juice! Just thought you wanted to know!

Well, I have some news. I have a job. I am now a server at Cracker Barrel! They say it is a great place to work I have a lot to learn but it seems like it will be fun and most likely Thomas will not have to go into daycare. WO HOO I HAVE A JOB!!!

July 19, 2002

I went on the interviews. I was not impressed. There will be more .. I am sure. I have to get this job. That really sucks. I hate that and I think my body is revolting on me because of it.

I am soo tired and lethargic the last two days that I can't get in the mood to go to the gym. I actually left in the middle of my workout yesterday and felt like an ass because I was so tired. Tomorrow is a new day. I will get plenty of sleep tonight and start again tomorrow.

Hooray! Hooray! Diana fixed the page! Hooray! Hooray!

July 17, 2002

This is no where near perfect. My comments.. which no one uses is not up. I cut and pasted it but.. I can't figure it out..or the title graphic. They are both my boo boos but Thomas is wanting to cuddle and I can't with my keyboard in my hand so for now. :) I am back in the game!

I hate this program.. I have been posting and it is not publishing. BLAH!!

So my life has been a wee bit boring lately. But, that will soon change. Tomorrow is a busy day. I have two interviews. 1st is near DC and second is in Richmond. :) I am going to be in the car ALL day long. At 7 I have kickboxing with my trainer Kristen... :) She is going to go in and try it with me so I won't feel so dumb!! Friday I have another interview!! Wo Hoo.. The one on Friday is here in town. :) That will be so much easier on all of us! I hope you get to read this soon.

July 16, 2002

I have a job interview on Thursday!!!

Tuesday's This or That
1. Rented lodgings, or staying with friends/relatives? We stay with Friends and relatives for the most part. I would prefer to stay in a hotel so we could come and go as we please. That and our family members that we stay with seem to have little space for us and the wee one.

2. Lots of activities, or just lying around doing nothing?He. People always bitch because I want to go go go. I can't sit still for the life of me. :)

3. Blogging while on vacation...yes or no?Yes

4. If you have children and/or pets...bring them along or make other arrangements?Cats stay home. Cats HATE cars! We hate boarding them so we find a "unsuspecting" friend to look in on them. Baby goes with us. We do have plans for a trip in March. We are going to FL and Thomas is going to stay with Aunt Jennifer while Paul and I go and stay at the Disney Resort for our anniversary weekend. It will be 5 years in March!

5. Do you cook while away on vacation, or eat out every day?I will be honest and say we eat out most of the time. Unless we are visiting Paul's family. His Dad demands that it is a waste of money to eat out.

6. Do you pack light and plan to do laundry while away, or overpack and wash everything when you get home?We pack light and do laundry, but still end up doing a lot of laundry when we get home.

7. Drive to your vacation spot, or take some kind of public transportation?Drive all the way. I have considered flying since having Thomas. But, do I really want to lug him through an airport terminal? I think not!

8. If you have a cell phone...on or off while away?On.. I can't be away from my cell. Maybe I should get help for that. :)

9. Bring work along or not?Work stays home!!

10. Returning home with more stuff than you. originally took with you...yes or no?Yes, but now we also seem to leave behind a bunch of stuff too.

July 15, 2002

I am ready to walk out the door to go to the gym, and I can't find my car keys. OK, No problem. They are here somewhere.
Nope, not on the key caddy.
Not on the counter where I set the coffees yesterday morning.
The shorts I wore yesterday did not have pockets, so they can't be there.
Not on the bathroom counters.
Where could they be? I call Paul seeing if he knew where they were.
Before I said one thing about where they were, I asked him if my car keys were in his pocket.
Man, I knew it. He has his keys and mine. I have the spare car key, but I don't have the membership cards to the gym *on MY keychain*.


It is Monday and time for Participation Positives.. yippee!!

~ We took Thomas for his first picnic Saturday
~ Thomas waved at Paul yesterday.. and I am 99% sure it was not a reflex
~ I sent out 20 resumes and applications yesterday looking for a job
~ my body is not as sore as it was on Wednesday
~ It is beautiful outside.. and we got rain Sunday morning.. we needed it
~ A big chunk of the laundry has been done
~ I have new books to read.. I had forgotten how much I love to read

July 13, 2002

Did I really go two days without posting? Wow! I have not turned my computer on until just now. :) Bad me I know.. but I have learned that I need a break from my computer life. We have had a pretty good weekend so far. We went to the bookstore last night when Paul got off work (*early w/o having to use leave*).

Today I started the morning off by going to the gym by myself so I would not feel rushed. I did 25 minutes on the epilitical trainer. My goal for tomorrow or Monday will be 30 minutes. I am still extremely sore from the last few days of working out. I am glad that I am sore in a way - it means that I am actually having productive workouts.

Then this afternoon we went for a picnic in the park. I HATE BEES! I have never been stung by one so my fear is huge and I was so afraid they would get Thomas. Today was his first picnic. He ended it with a nap while Paul and I tossed the frisbee and had a nice chat. It is nice to be able to get him out of the house. We have discussions that he would be to distracted to have at home when we are anywhere but here. Right now he is holding Thomas so he will be quiet so Paul can read. :) I need a break and I am not answering Thomas' every need tonight. I think I will go read my new books. :) I got 5 books at the library today and two books on tape.

July 11, 2002

I have some news on my recent exercise activities..
#1 I tried Kickboxing.. I need more endurance before I can make it through a class (it would help if AF were not here)
#2 My legs are DAMN SORE from yesterday's workout..
#3 I lost weight from my working out and watching what I am eating.. I believe about 6lbs but it is hard to tell with AF here..

Finally.. I am not going to keep this up if AF stays and Thomas does not get these teeth in.. neither of us are in the mood to be at the gym or give me time to eat better.. Today is only one day and tomorrow is a new day with a new start... Right?

July 10, 2002

I don't have the heart to delete the post before the chinese buffet.. I was away at the gym and Paul let Thomas play with my computer and that was the result. He wrote it and posted it... If he only knew what he did. I am so proud of my beautiful boy.. I hope this world is good to him.

Let's Have Dinner at the Chinese Buffet

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So Thomas might be getting his first tooth in and thus he is cranky.. AF is here with the worst bang and is not letting up.. I got up 4 times last night .. I have not done that since Thomas was inside me.. So we are both tired and cranky.. and I need to do the dishes but I don't wanna.. and I have to go back to the gym because I did not finish today because they had to hold Thomas.. oh how horrible is that.. he was cranky but as soon as he was calmed down he was fine.. I swear..

Oh what I did not do yesterday was the This or That.. for this week!!!

Because I am a f@#$ up and did not do it yesterday!

1. Fast-food or regular (sit-down) restaurant?
Sit down

2. If or when you go to fast-food or walk in?
Walk In .. unless it is Taco Bell.. they are mainly drive thru for us

3. Any restaurant in or take out?
Eat In

4. You are at a restaurant and are too full to finish your meal. Do you leave it, or ask to have it wrapped up to go?
Depends on the meal.. most of the time have it wrapped up..... if it won't be good the next day.. i might try to eat more just to make it worth what we paid for it

5. Where does most of your food come from...restaurants or the grocery store?
Grocery Store now.. last year this time I was restraunt 5 of 7 days.. sometimes 2 or 3 times a day

6. Do you shop for food at a supermarket or a convenience store?

7. You have 13 items in your cart. Do you try to go through the *12 Items of Less* express line or grit your teeth and get into the regular line?
Get in the regular line.. I don't want to be the one they "catch" .. besides when I have three items I don't want the person with 13 in my 12 or less line

8. If you shop at a store that has them, do you use the regular or self-scan checkouts?
Self scan...all the way.. I prefer to bag my own things and I am anal so it would help me be better organized

9. Paper or plastic - Part One...what kind of bags do you take?
Plastic... but now that my sewing machine is working I am hoping to make some canvas bags to shop with..

10. Paper or plastic - Part Two...which payment method do you use when buying food?
Plastic.. check card.. we don't write more than 3 checks a month

July 09, 2002

day 2 of AF.. This is the worst it has been since i had Thomas. I could not be away from a RR for more than two hours right now and I feel wiped out. You know what I ate this afternoon.. vanilla icecream with chocolate (homemade) syrup.. then about 14 of the chocolate chip butter cookies.. The little bit of the work out I did today was nullified because of those.. but I just feel BLAH!!!!

July 08, 2002

I am sitting up way too late talking to my mom's friend. Now I am pissed because my Mom was such an ass as a mother and as an adult.. I need sleep.

Participation Positives:
~ 20 Minutes on the Epilitical Trainer
~ Thomas sleeping in the Kid Zone
~ Paul working out after work
~ Visit with Jennifer, William and Paige on Sunday (on their way home from MA)
~ A great 4th of July with no terrorist attacks.. Shoulda gone to DC
~ Possible Job opportunities in the future
~ A clean desk
~ Will Power.. to exercise..
~ Being a mother to Thomas

July 05, 2002

Friday Five:
1. Where are you right now?
In the office with my husband and son. Although I have the urge to run back to bed. Hubbie did just bring me coffee though.. the morning is getting better already
2. What have you lost recently?
I lost 60 dollars a month ago. That is the biggest thing I can think of that I have lost and not found.
3. What was the first CD you ever purchased? Does that embarrass you now?
I can get away with this because you said CD not music on tape or cd.. :) I think it was Brandy! My first tape.. because I am so damned Honest was NKOTB.. if you know what that means you can know how embarassing that stage was. Brandy doesn't embarass me .. and really New Kids On The Block doesn't really either.. I was 10 with NKOTB and 15 with Brandy.. my musical tastes have expanded to more and still some of the old stuff. Ok.. old stuff for me!
4. What is your favorite kind of writing pen?
Ball points that don't leave TOO much ink behind. I love the ones with the squishy sides .. Really the only time I use a pen I eventually do it on my computer anyway..
5. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Soft Serve Vanilla.. then there is Coffee, Peppermint, and Mint Chocolate Chip

July 03, 2002

HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT.. Heat Index of 110.. and then there is the wonderful holiday traffic at 1pm.

I went and reactivated my job search at Randstad and I am going to start looking more aggressively for jobs in the next few weeks. I wish that I knew I would get a job so I can ease Thomas into daycare. But, what if we don't get it and then there is no $$. UGH!

Thomas did do well in the Kid Zone today.. I took his blanket with breast milk scent (courtesy of our last nursing session before going to the gym), a pacifier (he rarely uses it but to chew on..i don't need to explain it is my decision), and an 8oz bottle ready to be made. He drank 7 oz and I saw him before he fell asleep wrapped up holding the blanket. :>) I think it worked.. oh I did the smiley without meaning too but it is too cute to take away!

July 02, 2002

This or That:

1. Cats or dogs? Dogs (but I have cats).. both, but I want a dog.. someone to walk with
2. Lions or tigers? Tigers
3. Cows or pigs? Pigs
4. Turtles or frogs? Frogs
5. Elephants or giraffes? Giraffes
6. Butterflies or birds? Birds
7. Deer or moose? Deer
8. Goldfish or swordfish? Goldfish
9. Bunny rabbits or ferrets? Bunny Rabbits.. Ferrets stink!
10. Horses or unicorns? Horses

I was bounced from flylady while I was out of town because I had an over load of messages. But, I am back today. :) I am really looking forward to getting a routiine again!! Be prepared for some work but also be prepared for some free time in a CLEAN house. I am looking forward to decluttering and getting the apartment baby proofed.

I am sure that all you Moms out there already know this but I have to share it anyway..

There are some really great feelings you get while you are holding your sleeping baby. I wild buzz that makes you feel like you weigh 5lbs. Granted I hurt his finger before our cuddle session but he does not remember and I will forget it when I tell Paul about our day.

I need help. Thomas does not last in the kid zone at the gym. I left him this morning in the exersaucer watching Fox and the Hound. But afer 40 minutes the "teacher" came and asked me if she could give him a bottle. I was like sure.. she said he got fussy after that. Half an hour later she was back out telling me that they needed me to come and calm him down. I am not sure if it is him or the "teacher". Suggestions. Ideas.. I want to get my workout in the morning...

Tuesday morning. It is going to be really REALLY hot today. 95 degrees. I would be OK if this was in brevard but this is in Fredericksburg, VA with no freaking breeze ack. It is going to be even hotter tomorrow. I guess we will be inside all day long. Or maybe a trip to the pool after the gym? :")

July 01, 2002

I did it. I went to my evaluation for the gym. I am sure when the trainer walked up to me she thought I would be in horrible shape and not know much about working out. I proved her wrong!!

My body fat was high ofcourse.. but the printout said to loose 30lbs.. not the 100 some people (family and doctors) have said
My blood pressure was borderline .. but we knew that but was not in the "out of shape" category
My flexibility is excellent.. I knew that when I could lay my palms flat on the ground at my feet..
My strength is good.. I have to be able to get this weight around and a baby don't I
My overall fitness rating was fair.. not bad for a beginner.. I will have to do this in 3 months to see how far I have gotten..

We meet tomorrow to go over my workout for the next 3 months..

Participation Positives
~Clean Kitchen
~Happy Baby boy
~good news from the surgeon
~Gym Membership
~Feeling normal again
~The future
~Starting a new week with a clean slate